Yes, I’m still alive. For the most part anyway; that’s another story.
The main reason I haven’t written is not because I don’t have anything to say; those that know me are well aware that this is probably never going to happen. It is simply because I don’t have anything new to say. It seems to be the same old stuff all the time; chugging through NCC, figuring out whether or not seminary is something that will happen in the next year, etc.
When I started this blog, everything just came so easily. It was not hard to think of some way to relate prayer to my life and to some concept of Christianity. Lately, though, it’s become very difficult and, until very recently, I couldn’t figure out why.
I think it’s because I guess, for me, these kinds of things are much easier when there’s only an abstract concept of the future or of what is happening with the Lord. My visit to Conception put my abstract views, thoughts, and opinion into a concrete form. Now it’s hard to get the image of me there and doing those things out of my mind; and now it seems the pressure is on to figure out God’s will for me. I feel like now I really have to make decision as to what God wants from me and what He wants me to do.
These constant “pressure” to listen for God’s calls has caused me to look into everything, over analyze, and pretty much freak myself out. It became obvious that because I was listening SO HARD, I really wasn’t listening at all. I was simply looking into the things of my life and interpreting them because it made me feel like I can come up with some explanation which, I think, is sort of funny since I’ll be the first one to tell you to chill out and that God will give you the explanation in due time.
In brief, I guess I just need to be confident that this call and feelings toward the priesthood did not just come out of nowhere. I know that I need to listen to God, but sometimes the best listening comes when you’re not even trying to hear something specific or anything at all; just….listening.
So, God, my heart is quiet; whatchu tryin’ to say?